I’ve always had a bad habit of pushing myself to a state of exhaustion.  It rarely occurs to me that I should take a break.  I simply don’t believe that I deserve one, that I must earn everything that I have in this life through persistent and honest labor displayed with proper etiquette.  But, this inherent tiredness has extended to a new level, closer to constant exhaustion.  I have passing thoughts that I should take a break, but there is too much to be done and I highly doubt I’d allow myself the pleasure.

I am just so afraid to get close to people because they always leave.  I can’t trust anyone anymore and I thought that I was hung up on that one situation but it turns out that it has been my entire life. The people I cared for the most ended up inflicting the most pain on me.  And it was one after another, that it I backed me into a corner and I never really left, just got cozy and convinced myself that I was okay with the way I was living.  Only to find out that I had lost in the end.  I almost drove all the light out of my life before realizing that this wasn’t it.  This wasn’t happiness.  And now I am back to square one. again.

Moving into the new crib next week and was surprised with a promotion today.  Everything could not be going any better than it is right now.  All my hard work is paying off and I am more than happy and eager about life than I have ever been.  I just can’t wait for whats next.

I never thought about the fact that people’s facebook exist even after they have passed on.  I never thought about it until a girl that I once knew that committed suicide appeared under my ‘People you may know’ tab.  Her loved ones still write on her wall.  How bittersweet.

Ok, I think I need to calm down with the reblogging for a bit…

Going to finish my book. 88

We finally have confirmation that we got the apartment we wanted and will be able to move in at the end of this month.  Everything is falling into the right place at the right time.  There could not have been a better time in my life for things to pull together the way that it has.  I had just found a new sense of peace within myself and now I have a place to call my own.  Constantly working my ass off for a last two years has paid off.  I feel like I can start living the life that I want to live. 

Aside from that, the reality of moving has just dawned on me.  I’ve had so much fun living inside me head, imagining how my apartment is going to be decorated and furnished.  Now it’s time for the real thing and the shopping list is going to be immense.  I don’t even know where to start and I have about a week and a half.  It’s going to be hectic but I’m more than ready for it.

Everything in it’s right place.

~

As I get older, I start to get a better understanding of the depression that I’ve been dealing with for the last 10 years.  It wasn’t until recently as in 2 days ago, I realized that I was really starting to see the bigger picture.  My depression is a vicious cycle, following the same pattern.  Over a period of time, stress and other variables slowly chew away at my psyche.  Then, I get into a full fledged period of depression where I am completely unmotivated and unable to pull myself together on daily basis.  For months at a time, my emotions are all over the map and I find dealing with life’s responsibilities difficult.  I start to feel hopeless and have thoughts of giving up.  That is where I get to my lowest point where I eventually have some degree of a mental breakdown and then my physical body shuts down.  In the most recent case, I spent a week regurgitating everything I ate for a week after having a full blown panic attack at work.  =_=”  It was a slow recovery but I’ve finally regained a level of a more logical conscience…I guess.  

I always return with some degree of an epiphany about life and I learn from my mistakes and gain wisdom.  But, there was a huge difference this time around.  I feel a sensation that I have never experienced in my life.  I have a strong sense of security.  I’ve finally worked my ass off to reach a point where I don’t have to stress about every little decision that I make.  I finally have a chance to turn inwards and work on myself, to try and become the best version of myself that I can be.  At this point in my life, it has become a high priority for me to deeply reflect on who I am as an individual.

Even though, I’ve gained this sense of security and wisdom, I feel very vulnerable and …soft.  I feel like I’m embarking on a great spiritual journey and I want to do it right this time.  I’m tired of this cycle and I’m familiar with it enough that I shouldn’t allow it to happen again.  So with the right mindset, I just want to preserve this feeling for as long as possible.  I don’t want to lose sight of it and return to square one.  That has already happened too many times.

~

This seems to be the perfect time to start over on a clean slate.