As I get older, I start to get a better understanding of the depression that I’ve been dealing with for the last 10 years. It wasn’t until recently as in 2 days ago, I realized that I was really starting to see the bigger picture. My depression is a vicious cycle, following the same pattern. Over a period of time, stress and other variables slowly chew away at my psyche. Then, I get into a full fledged period of depression where I am completely unmotivated and unable to pull myself together on daily basis. For months at a time, my emotions are all over the map and I find dealing with life’s responsibilities difficult. I start to feel hopeless and have thoughts of giving up. That is where I get to my lowest point where I eventually have some degree of a mental breakdown and then my physical body shuts down. In the most recent case, I spent a week regurgitating everything I ate for a week after having a full blown panic attack at work. =_=” It was a slow recovery but I’ve finally regained a level of a more logical conscience…I guess.
I always return with some degree of an epiphany about life and I learn from my mistakes and gain wisdom. But, there was a huge difference this time around. I feel a sensation that I have never experienced in my life. I have a strong sense of security. I’ve finally worked my ass off to reach a point where I don’t have to stress about every little decision that I make. I finally have a chance to turn inwards and work on myself, to try and become the best version of myself that I can be. At this point in my life, it has become a high priority for me to deeply reflect on who I am as an individual.
Even though, I’ve gained this sense of security and wisdom, I feel very vulnerable and …soft. I feel like I’m embarking on a great spiritual journey and I want to do it right this time. I’m tired of this cycle and I’m familiar with it enough that I shouldn’t allow it to happen again. So with the right mindset, I just want to preserve this feeling for as long as possible. I don’t want to lose sight of it and return to square one. That has already happened too many times.